I'll skip over the last two weeks of pregnancy that were full of early labor and get right to the good part for now....
It's Wednesday morning August 29th 2012. I had an appointment at the closest hospital for a biophysical profile for Thursday afternoon. Now, the closest hospital was where we got our 20 week ultrasound and we didn't care for them. I made the last minute decision that I really didn't want to risk dealing with a rude technician for such an important scan. So I called the hospital our midwife recommends even though it was further away. They had an opening and we took it.
The scan went great. The technician had a great bedside manner and we even got some pictures to take with us. Baby scored an 8 of 8 and nothing was wrong or bad. No real reason for her to be in there other than she was just comfortable.
We went to burger king for food since we were both really hungry and hadn't eaten there in several months. My meal included two burgers, an ice cream cone, and a cinnamon bun. We got home and took a short nap after I did some inversions (A technique we had been using the last two weeks to try and position Lilith better to kick start active labor. It was doing a number on my back as it involved putting my butt high in the air, and my chest down as low as I could.). Then when we got up we went for a swim in our neighbors pool and then just relaxed around the house for a bit. My friend Karen came over with a delicious peanut butter cake she had made. I managed to eat half a slice it was REALLY rich and sugary, and REALLY delicious.
Around 6:30 or so I did my usual routine of looking at the clock, and just deciding "Today is not the day. I should sleep so tomorrow gets here faster and I am well rested." and so we went downstairs and I tried to lay down and sleep/rest.
A little after 7 I was realizing "This just isn't working. I can't get comfortable. I can't sleep. UGH!" I wondered "Could this be it?" but refused to get hopeful. I spent some time on the toilet and in the shower and walking around the den. I was NOT going to get excited until I was SURE this wasn't another false alarm. My husband and I joked that she could just be trolling us again. The contractions were a bit stronger and closer than they had been, but I wasn't convinced yet. My body had been playing with my head for two weeks and I was done playing along. I was not going to accept this was it so easily.
Cellus still called our midwife though and let her know what was up. She said we should track them (Again, in my mind I was NOT going to play along with my body if this was another trick. I didn't even THINK to track them so we hadn't been.)
I hopped in the shower and he sat on the toilet with my phone tracking contractions. They were 3-4 minutes apart and 1-2 minutes long. We tracked them for a while before our midwife called back to check in and Cellus gave her the numbers.
She said she was on her way and would be here in about an hour.
It finally hit me that this really WAS it. I finally was in active labor and going to have my baby soon!!! I was so happy and excited!!
Then it hit me.
"I am running on junk food and sugar and because we took a nap and went swimming I didn't drink a lot of water after the bpp like I should have. My body isn't full of good things to help me in labor. Oh crap!!"
I was regretting getting a little lazy with what I ate the last two weeks. I had started to get depressed and doubtful and my eating habits dipped a bit. I was just so done caring about what I ate because I was getting depressed, and now in active labor I was wishing I had just stuck it out and ate better even though I hadn't cared to. I quickly switched back over into being excited that this was it and being positive and empowered and happy, but the thought of the junk food and lack of water lurked in the back of my mind.
So since we were sure this was it we started filling up the birth pool. This meant I had to get out of the shower.
We started filling the pool. I was sad I had to give up the shower. The pool was nice and helped me manage the pain a lot better than being out of the water. I got in as soon as it was ankle deep and even that little bit seemed to help because it was nice and hot and I sat in it and relaxed a bit. I was just kind of drawn to the water for relief, wasn't thinking about it much.
I had the playlist on for a while but I told hubby to shut it off at some point early on because I wasn't listening to it and just never thought to turn it back on.
So for the next however long I walked around the den and got in and out of the pool as it filled up.
Our midwife Lori arrived and watched how I was doing, asked some questions, etc. for a while. I barely noticed her there when she wasn't talking to me. It wasn't too action packed at that point and there wasn't anything we needed her for so when she asked me if it would be okay for her to try and nap for a bit I had no problem with it. It was going to be a long night so rest was definitely a good idea.
Her assistant Heidi came over shortly after and they went upstairs for a while. I just kind of did my thing which consisted of laying down on the floor, climbing in the birth tub, and sitting on the toilet.
I can't give details because I don't recall any, but I know I hugged and kissed on my husband a bit and looked into his eyes and he was amazing support during all this (Giving encouraging words, pushing on my back and hips, etc.), but my memory is pretty awful in general, let alone while in labor, let alone trying to write this birth story on and off 2 weeks after the fact in between breastfeeding and cuddling a baby...
So, about what I ate earlier in the day? Yeah, that came back at some point. I started having "logical" thoughts about the hospital. I was very upfront and direct about it too. I told Cellus to start packing a diaper bag (I even managed to type out a list on my phone of what to put in it, haha!!) because I had to go get an epidural so I could eat and drink and rest. I made sure he knew I was "being logical" and this was not "crazy labor talk" because I wasn't asking to go in for pain (I was coping really great on the dealing with contractions part actually) or giving up.
I felt I was being "logical" because I knew my body could do it and my baby would come out vaginally, I just didn't think it could do it running on junk food and not nearly enough water. I told him I had to go in because I was running on cake and burgers and junk and I wasn't hydrated enough. Obviously, I wasn't being logical and it was crazy labor talk but at the time I thought my plan made perfect sense, haha.
He talked to me a bit and realized I was being my usual hard-headed self and he was at a loss of what to do so after a bit he just went upstairs, he didn't know what he should do so he told Lori and Heidi what was going on and asked them to come down and talk to me.
They came down and talked to me and redirected me and got me through several more contractions. They were both really great and I'm so grateful they were there to help me through this. Lori asked to check me so she would be able to talk to the doctors when we got there. I demanded hubby go pack the bag like I asked or I wouldnt let Lori check me and he went out of my sight and I think I was laying on the floor on my side at this point (Like I said, worst birth story ever thank you horrible memory...) but then he started rubbing my back. I could see Lori and Heidi and neither of them were doing it, goes to show how loopy I was that I started saying things like "That man better be packing that bag!" and other angry things even though he was right behind me rubbing on my back, meanwhile they all just kind of gave each other funny looks like "Yeah, this woman is nuts..." and let me ramble on.
Lori checked me. I was at a 6. She explained that we could go in still but by the time we got to the hospital and they did everything they needed as far as waiting and paperwork and hooking me up to everything it'd be pretty late into labor (I recall snapping back that I knew that and that is why we had to go NOW while it was early and I was coping well). Then she was more logical than me and reminded my crazy self that the hospital wasn't going to let me eat or drink while there and I was better off at home for that (I was adament that I couldn't eat or drink through these damn contractions, thus why I felt I needed the epidural. See? Crazy labor talk...) and I realized she was right. I felt kind of stupid and angry at myself at that point for being so illogical. I thought I was being logical, but nope, I was being crazy and was kicking myself for it.
Apparently at some point Cellus did half-assedly throw some stuff into the diaper bag, but I stopped trying to leave for the hospital once I realized how ridiculous I was being. I guess I just needed time to process things and really get into my upbeat, confident, positive laboring head space after two weeks of early labor had kicked me into a mopey depressive state and made me doubt my bodies abilities and I'm glad everyone was able to push me through. I was apparently coping a little too well up until then because I was able to over think about what I had eaten and done earlier in the day and thus freak out over it. Once I had started getting deeper into my own head I started to forget all about what I had eaten earlier in the day and I recall at some point standing in the shower under the hot water (since the tub was full at that point) thinking "Women have birthed on less. I can do this. I'll manage. I'm sure somewhere some woman is giving birth in harsher conditions than I am. I got this." and finally got over my own worries about nutrition and hydration.
I wasn't happy that I had to drink Gatorade and not water while in active labor (I was allowed some water, but really got the Gatorade more). I did however ask for it multiple times because I knew I needed it, and I even pointed it out to them "See? I'm asking for it!" I was just damn proud of myself for wanting to drink the nasty stuff, haha. I don't really ingest a lot of sugar on a daily basis or anything, so the Gatorade was hard to get down since it was so overwhelmingly sugary to my body. I didn't even think about food or snacks, I could barely get down liquids let alone any kind of solid food.
The next few hours are again blurred together. I know everyone gave support and helped me through some contractions in their own amazing ways that I appreciate immensely (Lori reminding me not to fight against contractions and giving encouragement. Hubby telling me I'm amazing and strong and being there for me in any way he could. Heidi and her great massage and accupressure skills with lavendar oil on my aching lower back.). I recall laying on the floor and hugging/laying on pillows on the floor. I recall getting up and going into the bedroom and laying on the bed and thinking "NEED MORE PILLOWS" and trying to get comfy and position them in comfortable ways. I recall getting in the birth pool and having to get out to try and pee. I also had a hot rice sock on my lower back on and off because it hurt a lot.
Speaking of peeing, I couldn't pee sitting on the toilet. I was able to pee in the shower standing up though. I recall being in the pool and saying something about having to pee and not wanting to get out. Lori told me to just pee in the pool. They were my germs so not a big deal. I made a joke about peeing in pools and eventually did pee while I was in there.
After a while (again no clocks, no concept of time) I realized the hot water was pretty much completely back in the shower. I conserved it for contractions by turning it on and off and on and off and moving between the shower and the pool. Once I realized how effective it was (it hurt so much more if I didn't make it or tried to deal without the hot water) I didn't get back in the pool much. My body needed the water as hot as I could get it and the birth pool just wasn't hot enough for my liking (it wasn't cold by any means, but I needed REALLY HOT water) and soon enough the bathroom became a sauna with our little space heater being on and the hot water going and the steam building up with the door shut (It's a tiny little bathroom, doesn't take much to heat it). Plus, in the shower I could lean back on the chair (We have one of those shower chairs and I used it a lot sitting, kneeling, etc.) and press it against my lower back to help relieve my own pain.
I know I was sweating, Cellus was dying from the heat, Lori and Heidi were probably thinking I was nuts at this point and wanting it to cool down. I was happy though and coping. I even pulled one of our little inside jokes at Cellus when he went to touch me and I pulled away and went "Hoooooot" to show I was doing much better now. That made him smile. I love his smile.
I started thinking I'd give birth in the shower on the chair because I wanted to stay there and I asked Cellus to stay nearby me (Poor man was DYING from the heat in the bathroom.). I only got in and out because I was scared to use all the hot water and not have any for later. I heard Lori say something to Heidi and/or Cellus about hot water and heat and core temperature. I knew I wasn't "supposed" to let my body get too hot etc. and got angry thinking she might take away my main and best coping mechanism for labor. I recall thinking to myself that she was NOT going to take away MY shower. I thought to myself "I'll bite anyone whose hand tries to turn off this amazingly helpful water." of course no one ever tried or even told me to get out.
I was standing in the shower at some point and felt pressure and just stood there leaning slightly forward against the wall and pushed a bit trying to relieve it. After a while my water broke all over in the shower and ran down the drain with the water. I looked down and saw the color and recognized the meconium. I casually called out to Lori to come look so she would be aware and prepared. It wasn't any kind of scary freak out thing for me personally. It was just how things were and I moved past it pretty easily. Stress and worry wouldn't help me even if I were stressed or worried about it (I wasn't. Baby was fine earlier in the day during the bpp, so I was sure she was still fine now.).
I had been coping well with contractions, and Lori helped me by reminding me not to fight them. I would at first start to fight against them but would breath slowly in and out and repeated to myself "Waves. Waves. Waves. Waves." because with the water it just felt right to envision the contractions as ocean waves coming and going. Strong, steady, trying to pull me out to sea. In my mind I stood waist deep in them and let them crash over me and then pull away while I stood on my feet and got through them. Labor does weird things to your brain and you find whatever way you can to cope. This was mine and it worked really amazingly.
After a while I got out of the shower and sat on the toilet and walked around the den a little. I had started getting pushing urges and had stopped trying to dry myself off after getting out of the shower (I normally hate being wet outside of the shower or pool and dry myself off right away, so I was really in my head to not care about it anymore).
I was sitting on the toilet at some point and Cellus was in front of me and I felt the urge to push and in my enthusiasm of being able to feel her slowly coming down I got off the toilet and told him to catch the baby. Obviously there was no baby to catch yet, I was being overly enthusiastic because I could feel her making her way down and I felt a lot of pressure from that (REALLY amazing feeling by the way, feeling the baby actually moving down lower and lower and feeling everything working together like that). I decided it would be happening soon so I needed to be in a position that Cellus could catch our daughter (AKA not on the toilet, lol).
He wanted to catch our baby. That was the only thing he asked and I wanted to give that to him and even being all loopy in labor I was determined that he would get to catch our daughter because I wanted to give that to him so very much. I made me way just outside the bathroom and got on my knees and leaned on a chair. I was in a kneel/squat position on my knees the floor with my arms on the chair and ready to do this.
I stayed like that for a while and eventually I felt the urge to push again and again. I'm really not sure where or when transition hit, or if I really even dealt with it or had it. Maybe I got all that out of the way with my crazy hospital talk? I don't know. I just don't recall hitting a point where I didn't want to or felt I couldn't do this other than my little crazy stint over the junk food and lack of hydration early on.
I remembered to work with my body and rest between contractions and urges. I would push with them and rest in between. Push, rest, push, rest, push, rest.
I was staring at the chair with my back to everyone but apparently they had the large hand mirror out and were checking things out. I just rested and pushed and rested and pushed for a while more feeling her making her way down.
Eventually I felt it. The ring of fire. It really is the best way to describe it. Hot, burning, and intense. I recall yelling out loud and slamming my fist down on the chair (In determination more than anything else) and getting really into my own head. Everything vanished again and I only recall the burning, the pushing, and feeling her working on getting out. The fire seemed like it lasted for 5-10 minutes but it could be more, could be less, I wouldn't trust my concept of time on that.
I was asked if I wanted to touch her head, but said no. I did end up reaching down to feel anyway a little later though. It clicked something in me. I could FEEL HER HEAD. My determination and happiness grew and I was getting this baby out SOON.
I got out most of her head first (according to Cellus she was out up to her upper lip, so her lower jaw was still inside and it freaked him out a bit to see her hanging there like that.) and I recall saying "Pull her out! Pull her out!" which was more just what popped into my head to vocalize than actually thinking they could/would be able to pull her out. I knew it was all up to me, but I was stuck on loop "Pull her out!!" I would say and then I would feel the urge and I would push.
I got the rest of her head out with another push. I recall feeling wiggles or something as I pushed more and if I'm being blatantly honest about the whole thing I almost had a small orgasm as I pushed her the rest of the way because something rubbed my clitoris as the rest of her came out right into my husbands waiting hands with the next push.
It was 7:13 in the morning on Thursday August 30th.
Once she was out I stayed there for a moment and eventually was moved into a sitting position on the floor where Cellus and I just stared at this new little person.
I looked at her and was in shock and awe as I held her and looked at her. There as a lot of "Oh my god. Hi baby. Hi Lilith. Oh wow. Hello." and comments/laughter that she ALREADY had a couple cat hairs on her ("Yep, that's my baby. Not even out 10 seconds and already has a cat hair on her." Hehe)
[I want to make a note here about pain during childbirth since so many women are scared about that with natural labor. The pain isn't horrible really, it's managable and something you cope with and get over. The contractions felt to me like kind of intense menstrual cramping and come and go. The hardest part was the ring of fire, it burned, but it really didn't last long at all and even that was more "oh wow intense" than "omg this hurt!!" because my mind and body were so focused on birth that pain wasn't even in my mind. Plus, right after birth I was on a kind of "birth high" from the hormones and all I felt was joy and love and awe at the baby in my arms. Our bodies know how to deal with childbirth. They do a good job at managing birth for us with all the hormones being released during and after the fact. You really get a kind of "birth amnesia" as well in that I know by day 2 I felt pretty disconnected from the intensity of birth. I recalled that it was intense and that the ring of fire burned and that at the time I was like "Whoa. Intense." but already it was as though it happened months ago instead of days and I felt pretty great. Do not fear the pain, for you and your body can and will be able to manage it if you have confidence in yourself and listen to what your body tells you to do during labor to cope.]
Lori complimented my cord. It was long, thick, and plump. A really nice cord. I looked at it and had to agree. It was a nice healthy and good looking cord. I also didn't tear at all. We sat in awe for a while and I kinda-sorta tried to nurse her (I was pretty out of it so we didn't really accomplish much but she managed to nurse a little bit, lol) eventually I was asked to try and push out the placenta.
I was leaned back against a chair on the floor so I was sitting up a bit and made a joke about how I have no idea how women push a baby out in this position in hospitals because this was hard and felt weird to me. I laid flat down and she pushed on my abdomen a bit and after a little bit of me pushing and them pushing and her gently pulling the cord out more and more (TO CLARIFY: She was gently guiding it out as it was really long and really thick, she WAS NOT forcefully tugging it out of me!!) we pulled me to my feet to try and get gravity to help. No luck while standing but while they were lowering me back down to the floor I ended up in a squatting position and my placenta just fell right out on it's own and caught everyone by surprise.
We laughed and I laid there resting a bit as Lori pushed more and we all were kind of amazed at how awesome my placenta was. It was a really great and healthy and strong looking placenta. As she was pushing blood was coming out, which is good and normal. Except it squirted out with a bit of extra force like something from a horror film, which is not good or normal. So she called 911 to have the EMTs come over. I drank some Gatorade and tried, with little success, to eat some eggs and grapes.
We decided to clamp and cut the cord. I had been hoping to keep it intact until it stopped pulsing and had turned white so Lilith got as much blood as she could, but we did delay it so she got some extra in her. I had wanted to burn it instead of cut it too, but at that point it was about priorities and I was fine cutting it. Cellus held Lilith while we dealt with me.
While waiting we managed to get it under control and it was fine by the time the EMTs got to our house. Cellus took Lilith into the bedroom away from all the noise and people. They asked questions and I answered and also cracked some jokes. I was helped to sit up again and sat up right for a while just fine but then everything started sounding like it was under water so I was laid back down. I had lost a good bit of blood by that point, and while it was under control now I was feeling the effects of blood loss and dehydration.
They wanted to know if I wanted to go and I felt that I did just to be extra cautious. I could have stayed home and been fine with just getting some rest and plenty of liquids, but I wanted to go anyway to be safe. At that point they asked about admitting Lilith and kept asking and would say things like "Well, we recommend.." and I politely declined multiple times before I finally just snapped at them that NO we were not admitting the baby, she was fine and didn't need to get admitted. In my head I was thinking "The baby is fine. Shut up and get me to the hospital already. The sooner I get there, the sooner I can hold my baby again for fucks sake."
So they got me into the ambulance and Lori came with me and we drove off to the hospital. Cellus and Heidi stayed behind and got things ready and followed soon after.
I was feeling pretty good, just tired and sore. I kept complaining about my back (I had been doing this face down/ass up position multiple times over the last two weeks that really strained my back to try and help Lilith get into my pelvic bone better and that mixed with pregnancy had done a number on my lower back. It had been hurting for a couple days and so by now it was really aching.). I must have seemed crazy to the poor EMTs since I just pushed a baby out of my vagina, and all I was complaining about was my back hurting me. Haha. I was given IV fluids and my blood pressure was being monitored.
I found out the EMT in the back of the ambulance with us was expecting a baby boy in a month. I was in no condition to try and have a discussion, but I did say to Lori I wish I had my infocards with me so I could give him one. I obviously wasn't in too bad a shape since my intactivism was still there, haha.
So, we got to the hospital and they were pretty full. We got put into a cozy little room though and it was fine by me. I liked the small room, I think a bigger room would have made me feel more tense. With the tiny room could see everything and everyone and it felt more secure.
Our nurse talked a lot, but her and the rest of the staff were pretty polite. They didn't treat us like we were super crazy hippies for having a home birth. She did keep offering me pain medicine for my back (Bitching about my back hurting seemed to make me feel better and just gave me something to kind of focus on.). They hooked me up to some pitocin to help encourage contractions to help with blood loss.
I was seen by an OB while there. He had to go down there and check things out. Speculum, digging out blood clots, etc. which hurt and was really annoying. Lori was with me, Cellus and Heidi were outside the door waiting to come in. I wasn't happy to have to get opened and checked so while I mostly complied physically I was a pain in the ass vocally. I made SUCH a fuss. I screamed at him to "please stop" and kept pulling away instinctively (It hurt!) but I knew he had to do it and I wasn't actually trying to stop him, I was just coping as best I could. Lori reminded me that my husband and baby could hear me. I didn't know he had gotten there yet and I was hoping I didn't scare or worry him too much with my yelling. I was just managing myself as best I could. My instinct was to kick the OB in the face because I was not happy at all, so sorry if yelling at him (POLITELY mind you, I said please after all, lol.) was the best I could do at being a "good patiant" for him.
After all that was done Cellus and Heidi came in. Again, no clock, no concept of time. I know I tried to pee on the toilet and couldn't (Uh..there were 5 people in there watching me the whole time and I was already tense just being in a hospital, I was NOT going to be able to pee...) and then I got a quick-style catheter (It didn't stay in, it was only in until some urine came out) and got my blood drawn. I drank some juice and ate some graham crackers with peanut butter and some pretzels and held/nursed Lilith as much as I could. Throughout the six hours we were there the nurse pushed on my tummy what felt like 500 times and I was pissed off and done with her pushing on me by the end of it.
I did end up peeing while laying in bed (I was wearing one of those pads for blood already) and the nurse came in and since I had been able to pee, was hydrated, was able to sit and stand on my own, and felt fine we wanted to leave. She went to speak with the OB and came back to say he wanted us to stay for observation and we said no, what do we have to do to make this a discharge and not an AMA because we are leaving one way or another. He came in and I was sitting in bed topless (The stupid gown was in the way of my skin-to-skin nursing with Lilith, I refused to wear it.) and he took the gown from the foot of the bed and very awkwardly laid it across my breasts to cover them up (I didn't care and even said as much, this was for his comfort not mine, haha), and then 2 seconds later he went down and took another look at my vagina, that he was ALL UP INSIDE OF a few hours before. (Yeah. Makes total sense dude.) He OK'd our discharge and left. We cracked up over the breasts thing though. Our culture is illogical in so many ways to me. I signed papers, hopped in a wheelchair, held Lilith close to me, and we got the hell out of there.
Lori and Heidi went back to our house to clean things up. We headed out to the natural grocer to grab some stuff. I waited in the car with Lilith while Cellus ran in. Then we went to Outback and ordered some food to go (I wanted my post partum medium rare steak!!). I managed to go pee again while there. I must have looked hilariously awkward and crazy. Messed up birth hair, walking all funny and slow, realized only AFTER that tan shorts were not a good idea with mesh panties due to the whole blood loss thing (there was a pretty obvious mark on my pants, lol). I managed to make it to the bathroom and back on my own pretty well (I was on the phone with Cellus just in case though) though and that was good. We also dropped by CVS to drop off a prescirption.
We then went home and laid down and ate some steak and went to bed. ♥
